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Sunday, February 3rd, 2008
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6 am day after Christmas
I throw some clothes on in the dark
The smell of cold
Car seat is freezing
The world is sleeping
I am numb
Up the stairs to her apartment
She is balled up on the couch
Her mom and dad went down to Charlotte
They're not home to find us out
And we drive
Now that I have found someone
I'm feeling more alone
Than I ever have before
She's a brick and I'm drowning slowly
Off the coast and I'm headed nowhere
She's a brick and I'm drowning slowly
They call her name at 7:30
I pace around the parking lot
Then I walk down to buy her flowers
And sell some gifts that I got
Can't you see
It's not me you're dying for
Now she's feeling more alone
Than she ever has before
She's a brick and I'm drowning slowly
Off the coast and I'm headed nowhere
She's a brick and I'm drowning slowly
As weeks went by
It showed that she was not fine
They told me, "son, it's time to tell the truth"
She broke down, and I broke down
Cause I was tired of lying
Driving back to her apartment
For the moment we're alone
Yeah she's alone
I'm alone
Now I know it
She's a brick and I'm drowning slowly
Off the coast and I'm headed nowhere
She's a brick and I'm drowning slowly
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I wasted another day, I wasted my spring break. I guess this is the most perfect way to end an already completely shitty week. I realize that it's only 12:30, and there's plenty of the day left, but my day has already been ruined. I guess this is the part where I vent...
I planned in advance, as much as possible, to spend today with him, in fact, a good part of this last week, which didn't happen by the way. On Wednesday, he worked, last minute, but theres nothing I could have done about that. So I patiently waited for him to get out of work and call me when he said he would, but did he call me...even to tell me he was running late? no. I got a phone call 3 hours after he said he would call telling me he just got out of work. fine. again...there's really nothing I can do about it. Same thing happens the next day.
Now, come Saturday(yesterday), I called him and asked him what he was doing Sunday(today). He said that he might go fishing with his friends, but he'd call and ask if they're going for sure. I finally got a call back just in time before I had to tell my boss if I was coming into work on Sunday or not. He said he has nothing to do so he'll spend it with me. AWESOME!...Sundays are usually my day off, but they needed an extra technician, so they asked me, and I happily declined, since I had covered someone else's shift last sunday as well. Anyway, he said that he would be here at my apartment at 11:00am. After it hits 11:30am, I call, just wondering where he is at, because he didn't even call me at this point. No answer. Called 10 mins later. No answer. Finally, I get a call back just about noon, he said he was sleeping. I would have been more forgiving, had this not happened ALL fucking week long. So I got angry. Now that I feel like crap, he's gonna do whatever it is he does, and I'm just going to waste my day. I guess It's my own fault, that's just who i am...
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With everything ahead of us
We left everything behind
But nothing that we needed
At least not at this time
And now the feeling that I'm feeling
Well it's feeling like my life is finally mine
With nothing to go back to we just continue to drive
Without you I was broken
But I'd rather be broke down with you by my side
I didn't know what I was looking for
So I didn't know what I'd find
I didn't know what I was missing
I guess you've been just a little too kind
And if I find just what I need
I'll put a little peace in my mind
Maybe you've been looking too
Or maybe you don't even need to try
Without you I was broken
But I'd rather be broke down with you by my side
With everything in the past
Fading faster and faster until it was gone
Found out I was losing so much more than I knew all along
Because everything I've been working for
Was only worth nickels and dimes
But if I had a minute for every hour that I've wasted
I'd be rich in time, I'd be doing fine
Without you I was broken
But I'd rather be broke down with you by my side
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Sunday, December 3rd, 2006
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| Men See You As Choosy | 
Men notice you light years before you notice them
You take a selective approach to dating, and you can afford to be picky
You aren't looking for a quick flirt - but a memorable encounter
It may take men a while to ask you out, but it's worth the wait |
these are always fun....
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Sunday, November 26th, 2006
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well...everytime it seems like things can't get any better...they don't.
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When you have to look away
When you dont have much to say
Thats when I love you
I love you, just that way
To hear you stumble when you speak
Or see you walk with two left feet
Thats when I love you
I love you, endlessly
And when your mad cuz you lost a game
Forget Im waiting in the rain
Baby i love you,
I love you anyway
Heres my promise made tonight
You can count "on" me for life
Thats when i love you
When nothing you do can change my mind
The more I learn, The more I love
The more my heart cant get enough
Thats when I love you,
WhenI love you no matter what
So when you turn to hide your eyes
Cause the movie it made you cry
Thats when I love you
I love you a little more each time
And when you cant quite match your clothes
Or when you laugh at your own jokes
Thats when I love you
I love you, more than youll know
And when you forget that we had a date
Or that look that you get when you show up late
Baby I love you, I love you anyway
Heres my promise made tonight
You can count "on" me for life
Thats when i love you
When nothing you do can change my mind
The more I learn, The more I love
The more my heart cant get enough
Thats when I love you,
When I love you no matter what
Thats when I love you
When nothing baby
Nothing you do could change my mind
The more I learn, The more I love
The more my heart cant get enough
Thats when I love you,
When I love you no matter what
No matter what
......
new artist...new song...great lyrics.
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Sunday, November 12th, 2006
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when you've been put in an uncompromising situation...and there really is no way out of it. i'm not sure if this is what i had in mind...i'm not sure if this is what i really want either. actually i know that i don't have to put up with a certain someone's behavior if i don't want to....BUT..in this case...like family...i guess i just have to accept it...i'm just not very happy about it. at all.
the thing that makes it worse is that i feel so alone in this. i thought for sure he'd stick up for me and defend me when no one would. nope.
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Monday, November 6th, 2006
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i give give give give give...and i get...............nothing in return.
i'm frustrated and exhausted.
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Sunday, November 5th, 2006
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"That's the problem with drinking, I thought, as I poured myself a drink. If something bad happens you drink in an attempt to forget; if something good happens you drink in order to celebrate; and if nothing happens you drink to make something happen."
-Women by Charles Bukowski
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Wednesday, November 1st, 2006
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solitude again.
home is where my heart is...
i can't ever live without.
terrified again.
the dark surrounds me..
i can't exist in.
lost again.
time escapes me...
life passes by.
************
i hate this one...it's so depressing...but i found in it my collection of bullshit.
i had three of these that i wrote one night when I was alone one night in Irvine. I remember...I was on the couch watching Insomniac theater...and the stupid simple plan song came on. ew. This was my third year at UCI...
My roomate went home for the weekend...my other two roomates went home as well. I hate being alone like that. I just hate not having company.
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Tuesday, October 31st, 2006
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My weakness is you.
Selflessness has brought me here.
I'm screaming aloud but you can't hear
I listen to your heart crying
While all along inside I was dying
You don't know how deeply I care
For you, I will always be there.
In wake you see me smiling..
I need you to know that when you sleep...
I'm trying...
Trying to pull it all together to save your face..
to save my place.
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Monday, October 16th, 2006
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true friends stab you in the front
keep you from getting what you want
when one more fix could kill you
they help you realize that
you're more and less than you first had believed
you've so much to give and there's so much you need
shortcuts through graveyards and a brand new way to breathe
three thousand miles just to learn,
all that's gold does not all shine...
and helping words aren't always kind,
when one more kiss could kill you,
they help you realize that
you're more and less than you first had believed
you've so much to give and there's so much you need
shortcuts through graveyards and a brand new way to breathe
three thousand miles just to learn.
how to let my guard down
accept the fire has spread among us.
and if you're feeling all right,
you've got to play it again,
you've got to play it again.
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Tuesday, October 3rd, 2006
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I've been nothing less than understanding
I've been nothing short of patient
I skew my view to fit yours
I let myself down to pick you up
I can't sleep on my full stomach and empty heart
Belittle me to make you
Kick my emotions to the curb while you merely
Carelessly express your own opinion
My comfort, my joy
turned into meaningless words right before my ears
All that I thought I loved
turned against me and hit the ground running.
I'm tired I'm done with trying anymore
I'm done trying to make you see what i see...
you'll never understand, you'll never know.
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Monday, October 2nd, 2006
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This time last year...i was 15 pounds lighter with hair down to my butt. but was i happy with that? nope.
I cut my hair worked my way through the holiday season...gained some weight and developed a new smile. a smile that i can show the world proudly without feeling like i'm trying to hide my losses.
I'll admit, it was not easy to forget...and even harder to forgive. Now a year later...I could honestly care less. I couldn't see past the pain I was feeling, but once it was gone, it's like I woke up from a coma. I felt so dead for about a year before that... I compromised my feelings for someone who could careless about them..why? I tricked myself into feeling happy.
Fall quarter 2005 was the hardest quarter to get through..but i did it. I still think about my friend Cesar who passed away..he'll always be in my heart. Life is too short to dwell on the past. I let it go.
Aside from all the stress from pharmacy school, work, and more school...I'm happy.
oh yea...if you're reading this...loicia and/or shannon...i'm coming down to visit on a sunday...next month? =)
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Sunday, September 10th, 2006
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I think they're truly amazing...feelings I mean.
How they change, how they grow or fade.
The more I spend time, the more I love.
It's hard to explain, but for the first time in a very long time....I'm happy with someone. Time and patience is all that was needed. =) Since May...things will never be the same. With each new experience and person i meet, it just gets better and better...together.
I let go of my past...I just wish my past would let go of me. It's not effecting my present or future, but it's just annoying.
Back to pharmcas. applications...the story of my life.
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Thursday, August 17th, 2006
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There is no way in hell I'm going to keep taking this shit. I'm through with it...I don't even want to pretend that everything is okay just to be "at peace." It's fucking ridiculous. It's over...and why would I want to be friends with someone who cheats, and then comes back and says "but we're so close," obviously not close enough because if you knew me, you'd know that I'm not fucking stupid. Everything about you makes me sick...I don't know how you fucking sleep at night knowing you fucked over people, smile and pretend all is good, well it's not. I'm not okay. I don't think I'll be okay for a very long time. I don't owe you shit. Take your life and leave me in 2005, don't look back and don't think for one second I glance over my should either. All you ever fed me was your lying bullshit...and I believed you...I guess that's where I fucked up. Whats worse...I KEPT believing you....thinking you had changed. The only thing different is that I can see you for what you REALLY are. Goodbye.
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Come with me
Stay the night
Just say the words but boy it don't feel right
What do ya expect me to say (You know it's just too little too late)
You take my hand
And you say you've changed
But boy you know your begging don't fool me
Because to you it's just a game (You know it's just too little too late)
So let me go now
'Cause time has made me strong
I'm starting to move on
I'm gonna say this now
Your chance has come and gone
And you know...
It's just too little too late
A little too long
And I can't wait
But you know all the right things to say (You know it's just too little too late)
You say you dream of my face
But you don't like me
You're just a good chase
So be real
It doesn't matter anyway (You know it's just too little too late)
I was young
And in love
I gave you everything
But it wasn't enough
And now you wanna communicate (You know it's just too little too late)
Go find someone else
I'm letting you go
I'm loving myself
You got a problem
But don't come asking me for help
'Cause you know...
It's just too little too late
A little too long
And I can't wait
But you know all the right things to say (You know it's just too little too late)
You say you dream of my face
But you don't like me
You're just a good chase
So be real
It doesn't matter anyway (You know it's just too little too late)
I can love with all of my heart, baby
I know I have so much to give
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Thursday, July 27th, 2006
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| Time: | 6:24 pm. |
| Mood: |  depressed. |
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so sick so sick of being tired...
and oh so tired of being sick.
yup.i'm tired.
me.i've tried.
you.i can't understand why.
over.and over again.
never.have i felt this way.
what.am i trying to do.
how.much will i take.
i.can't be free.
try.and force a smile, while i ache inside.
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you find another friend and you discard....
i LOOOOOOOOVE being woken up at six in the morning because this one person i know is sooo good with directions...that they don't know the difference from the 405 from the 605!!! "but but...mapquest told me to go this way..." dude...if mapquest told you to drive off a cliff would you do it!? no!!! then used some common sense and look at a MAP! because taking the 105 from the 605 crosses the 405 AGAIN!! and then from the 405 its 2 miles to LAX!! lol...j/k. i'm just trying to be a bitch. damn..i answered the phone this morning and thought to myself..."this better be DAMN good...or a mistake" either way...i woke up and didn't remember talking to that person at all. i checked my phone and thought i was going crazy. (thanks douchebag)
anyway...fun news..my uncle is going out of town! so that means i have full access to the pool, basketball court, house and CARS! yesssssssssss. so i'll be by the pool when i'm not working this week if you need me. thanks.
.....
by the way..
i won't be second best...ever.
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Wednesday, July 19th, 2006
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Rather than saying what should be said to someone to their face...I always seem to find a way to just spew it out onto this thing and just get over it and not draw too much attention to the issue again. I figure once I get it out... I'll be fine..if not better than when I started out here. Most of the time it's neither...I just feel the same or...sometimes...worse depending on the situation. So why put out the effort? Well..in hopes that they read it somehow..and bring up the subject matter so I wouldn't have to. In this case, chances are, that person may never read this.
Out of all of my friends, I've known one of them for about 11 years now...and she calls me one of her best friends. As a friend to this person, I would do anything for her...and I mean pretty much anything if she needed. I had a party on Saturday to celebrate a shit load of things...but mainly any excuse to have a party. Pretty much just about everyone showed up. My co-workers, close friends and not-so-close friends came. The party was awesome...until I realized that someone was missing. She wasn't there...I was glad her douchebag boyfriend wasn't there..but not so much that she wasn't there. At that point it was midnight and she had not shown up...and I got pissed off...assumed she was with her fucking boyfriend and got even MORE angry. I don't even want to get started on that asshole she calls a boyfriend. I would have been different if we were just going to someone else's party...but it was my party. It was the first party I had ever had, and she wasn't there. I just felt hurt and let down. I felt like that's how much MORE her bf means to her than her own friends.
Another thing...for the one who thinks he cares about me..but really doesn't..because in retrospect, I guess I never realized what an inconsiderate, self-involved, egotistical person he could be. I never ever wanted to think that way about him, nor did I ever...until I took a HUGE step back to look at the picture, and got some insight into the situation that I thought I had under control. For a while there, I let him take over my emotions, my days, my thoughts.
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srfroxy21's journal
gloomy.
busy.
loved.
pissed off.